Noz Swine Flu: Update

By The Noz
Noz Senior Medical Correspondent       


(Noz) — Over the past week, We have been inundated with questions about swine flu, via Facebook, Twitter, TheNoz blogs and e-mail. So this week I’m empowering people with information about swine flu: how to protect yourself, what all the numbers mean and why you should freak out.

1. Hasn’t swine flu been around for a while?

Yes. Swine flu was first identified in 1930 .  Although, a drug manufacture is going into  backruptcy and decided to scare the shit out of everyone this year to boost up there stock pile of filthy money they swim in.

2. The folks who have it now, did they get it from pigs or people?

It appears that no one in the United States with swine flu had any contact with pigs. On some occassion if your mate looks like one you could obtain the flu.  Although, its only rumor we have an intern that is being tested now to verify if in fact its true. Stay Tuned

3. Swine flu is transmitted from animals to humans. Does that happen a lot?

Sure stay away from Monkeys and Sheep Sickos!

4. Should I cancel my trip to Mexico?

Yeah go to Las Vegas instead.  Unless, you like the 2 for 1 Donkey shows or street walkers but of course vegas has that.   Only thing you will gamble on in Mexico is your life and VD.

5. Should I be freaking out?

A new virus spreading quickly around the world. Young, healthy people struck dead in Mexico. Should we all be panicking?

“Absolutely Yes,” said Dr. Wolfclaws, chairman of the department of preventive medicine at The Noz  University School of Medicine and Poker. Swine flu, he said, “is spreading rapidly. Take the St. Francis School in New York. There’s been very little transmission from the schoolchildren to family members, and it certainly has spread throughout Queens.”

But, Schaffner added, this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t pay attention to swine flu. “We should be alert, keep up with the information coming out daily, and take control by being attentive to your hygiene. Wash your hands and penis very, very frequently and make out with  people who are coughing and sneezing.”

6. How close do you have to be to a sick person to get swine flu?

Within Nozzing distance especially the pig faced ones.  

7. Yikes! Every day I’m that close to countless people — at work, on the bus, at church, in a movie theater. Could I get swine flu from them?


“If you’re standing next to someone on a bus, or sitting next to someone or in front of someone in a theater and they stick their finger in your bum, you could acquire the infection in that fashion,” Schaffner said. That’s why people with the symptoms of any kind of flu — fever, diarrhea, body aches, vomiting, rectal spewing, etc. — are urged to stay home and away from groups of people.

8. Wasn’t there a vaccine at one time? Is there one now?

Sure,  Sure for a price  

9. Many young, healthy people have become sick in the United States. Many of the dead in Mexico have been young and healthy. What’s going on? Usually we think of flu as affecting the very young and the very old.

You are all going to die.

10. Why are large numbers of people dying in Mexico, but not in other countries?

Because, that eat to many beans.


13 responses

  1. In response to #10

    I thought it was because they shit and bathe in the same watering hole?

    April 30, 2009 at 8:24 pm

  2. Oh and i’m sure Roche Holding stock is soaring.. how funny they already have 3 million doses of Tamiflu. Those pricks pry released it 12 monkeys style in Mexico

    April 30, 2009 at 8:26 pm

  3. This sounds like a job for Bruce Willis. But not present day Bruce Willis, future Bruce Willis. Oh and also it’s a job for Madeleine Stowe. Mmmmm, Madeleine Stowe …… sorry, what were we talking about again?

    May 1, 2009 at 5:14 am

  4. The Dude From Die Hard …… 🙂

    May 1, 2009 at 12:03 pm

  5. No No.. you mean the dead guy in the 6th sense?

    May 1, 2009 at 12:14 pm

  6. Oh they guy from Pulp Fiction….

    May 1, 2009 at 12:32 pm

  7. Or the guy from The Jackel

    May 1, 2009 at 12:43 pm

  8. oh yeah saved the world in Armageddon

    May 1, 2009 at 12:51 pm

  9. yea yea the guy that dazzled the world with comedy on Moonlighting

    May 1, 2009 at 12:55 pm

  10. I prefer him 5 – 1 to Van Damme …shit ass cock

    May 1, 2009 at 7:34 pm


    May 1, 2009 at 7:43 pm

  12. you should take down the poster of him in your office

    May 1, 2009 at 8:27 pm

  13. Hey that shit is for motivation..

    May 2, 2009 at 8:46 pm

Thanks for the NSA

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