Customer Service

A priceless public service announcement..

Dwight.. what about Kodiak bears? or those fucking little Care Bears??

Star Wars Tourettes.. doesn’t get any better.

Librarian’s just don’t like The Noz

Hello Tyler Durden,

Your chat transcript with a librarian at Ask Here PA Public

Date: 09:12 2009/04/09
Question ID: 4396903

Chat Transcript: Do you know anything about Hitler Germany?

[Librarian 09:12:21]: Librarian ‘Lancaster PL Erin’ has joined the session.
[Librarian 09:13:25]: Welcome to Ask Here PA. My name is Erin and I will be helping you today. Is there a particular topic regarding Hitlers Germany you are interested in?
[Tyler Durden 09:13:26]: Hello Erin, can you list your creditials
[Librarian 09:14:15]: I am a Reference Librarian at Lancaster Public Library
[Tyler Durden 09:14:48]: I’m trying to find the reason my Mein Kampf is looked at as a negative book.. did you attend college to be a Librarian?
[Librarian 09:15:11]: I have a masters degree
[Tyler Durden 09:16:08]: Wow Erin you have a Master and are stuck being a Librarian.. are you like an Indiana Jones type Librarian or a book worm Librarian?
[Tyler Durden 09:18:19]: i’m on pins and needles over here
[Librarian 09:18:36]: You have a question about Mein Kampf?
[Tyler Durden 09:19:12]: have you read it? I hear it’s like the Koran but with less murder
[Tyler Durden 09:22:11]: where did you attend for you Masters? Did you have a SAT style exam on the Dewey Decimal System?
[Librarian 09:23:05]: No I have not read it. Here is a synopsis. http://www.spartacus.schoolnet.co.uk/GERantisemitism.htm
[Tyler Durden 09:24:27]: Do you think Tom Cruise pretty much screwed Germany with his performance in Valkerie
[Librarian 09:25:58]: I did not see the movie. Do you have any other questions regarding Mein Kampf?
[Tyler Durden 09:27:42]: Well if you buy the popcorn i’ll sneak us in.. I know the film projector.. what about the book, Everyone Poops.. is it offensive for adults
[Librarian 09:30:37]: It is a children’s book on a biological function and offensive is in the eye of the beholder, but I should think so.
[Tyler Durden 09:31:29]: Do you think I could make it big with this book- Everybody Farts
[Librarian 09:32:21]: Sir if you do not have any additional reference questions there are other people waiting.
[Tyler Durden 09:33:01]: ok ok.. with your extensive education, what is the best and worst book ever written.
[Librarian 09:33:36]: That is a matter of personal taste
[Tyler Durden 09:34:25]: i’m asking you though. Fire away. I need something to read that I can complain about and praise about
[Librarian 09:36:43]: Sir, you should go to your local library and ask for some book recommendations tailored to you interests. Thank you for using Ask Here Pa.
[Librarian 09:36:45]: Librarian ended chat session

Noz Tryouts! Submit your photos for Noz Stars!

Marco Polo

American Dream

Who are You?

If you roll with option #1 you are Noz Approved and with your comment,  you can get double Noz Army credits.  If you roll with option #2 or #3… Go get your rainbow feather boa, you’re late for the parade!

Hi.. i’m a tourist in Iraq.. I’d love to see the weapons

The new tactic on finding weapons! Send in the Italian tourist!

Looking for a new place to eat try??

 

All You Can Eat w/ this Coupon

Donald Trump is not only a Noz he is a Raccoon??

Who Knew A Nozcoon?

Douche Noz Breaks World Record?!?!

Learn a real skill like playing an actual guitar

Okay there is a couple of things wrong with this blog.  One why is there a “World Record” for playing a video game.  Two, why don’t we teach our children to play real instruments.  Quit practicing on this Chinese pieces of crap and pick up a real guitar people.  Oh wait that would require some skill and practice.  Until then remember kiddies green, yellow, blue, red oh wait those were the colors I was tripping on when I conceived you.

Every man is thinking it… lets just put it out there.

 

I’ve got her in my head
At night when I go to bed
And I know it sounds lame, but
She’s the girl of my dreams

And of course I’d do anything for her
I’d search the moons of Endor
I’d even walk naked through
The deserts of Tatooine

Princess Leia, where are you tonight?
And who’s laying there by your side?
Every night I fall asleep with you
And I wake up alone

And even though I’m not as cool as Han
I still want to be your man
You’re exactly the kind of
Alderranian that I need

But when you were available, I was
Drinking Colt 45’s with Lando
I was hanging out in the cantina
On Mos Eisley

Princess Leia, where are you tonight?
And who’s laying there by your side?
Every night I fall asleep with you
And I wake up alone

How to ditch your fiancee?!?

Zombies Love Brains! We Love Creative Hackers More!

Classic Noz

You got to love it when creative people show off their work.  Minus those idiots that spray paint sh!t, they need to hang.  This reminds me of something I seen the other day.  I drive by this catholic school everyday.  This school always uses plastic cups to spelling something in their chain link fences Example .  So at 5pm Monday the sign reads Go Team win state.  The next morning I drive by and its this enormous 12ft cock with a huge sac with a Lil squirt.  It was one of the funniest things I had ever seen, especially outside a catholic high school.  I love how creative and hilarious humans are Keep up the Good Work as TheNoz will and spread the word!

I love Spam and Bacon..with a side of hilarious!

 

I don’t know about you Nozs.. but I love getting spam! This is one of the funniest Ms Paint spammers I’ve seen (click on the photo) Not a day goes by when I don’t get Miles Standish from the UK telling me my 1 million dollars is sitting is a London Bank and all they need to access it is $5,000 and a blood sample.  Here is one of my prouder moments of posting and item on the local Craig’s List.  I put up a classified add for an extra T.V. stand, asking price was $10.  I received about 10 emails from the U.K., England and of course Nigeria all of them stated they would sent me that “certified check” and they would take care of securing a local shipping company and all of the shipping costs.  Unreal.. what happened to Ikea? Where’s Wal-mart or Target? Are these big consumer driven corporations racist against these poor countries that apparently have to secretly ship T.V. stands from the U.S.?  I can only guess what will happen after T.V. goes all digital!  I can see it now.. it’s dark in a back alley of Prague.. now the Rolex is $200 U.S.  The Armalite AR-10 Carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon that’s $100 U.S., that HD coverter box.. hmm at least $500 U.S. and we don’t take coupons..

Chuck Norris will make you Noz in your pants..

 

 

1. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
2. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
3. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
4. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
5. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
6. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
7. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
8. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
9. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
10. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.
11. Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
12. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
13. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
14. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’till.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
15. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
16. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
17. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
18. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
19. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
20. Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
21. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
22. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
23. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
24. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
25. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
26. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
27. The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
28. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
29. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
30. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
31. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
32. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
33. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
34. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
35. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
36. Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
37. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
38. If you say Chuck Norris’ name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
39. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
40. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
41. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
42. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
43. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
44. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
45. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
46. There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
47. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
48. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
49. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
50. When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn’t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
51. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
52. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
53. Chuck Norris can’t finish a “color by numbers” because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
54. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
55. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
56. Chuck Norris’s urine was the main ingredient for balco’s designer steroids. Therefore, Chuck Norris is actually the all-time single-season home run king.
57. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
58. Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
59. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won’t be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
60. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.
61. Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
62. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald’s in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be “Norrisized”.
63. Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
64. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
65. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
66. Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
67. Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.
68. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
69. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
70. Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
71. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
72. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”
73. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
74. Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
75. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
76. When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score a 1600.
77. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
78. When you’re Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
79. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
80. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
81. Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
82. Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
83. In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.
84. Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
85. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
86. Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”
87. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
88. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
89. If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
90. Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
91. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
92. Chuck Norris brings the noise AND the funk.
93. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
94. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
95. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them
96. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
97. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
98. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.
99. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

I heart Noz’s

Come on Nozzles! Star Wars V.S. Lords of the Rings .. who reigns supreme!

The Muther Flippin Noz

sarah palin, beijing 2008, facebook login, tuenti, heath ledger, obama, nasza klasa, wer kennt wen, euro 2008, jonas brothers, att, iphone, youtube, fox news, david cook, surf the channel, rivalry, dark knight, iron man, star wars, termintor, harry potter, how to, playboy, sex, news, love, oprah,

That Greatest Ms Paint Video Ever !?!?!

We Use MS Paint Too!

sarah palin, beijing 2008, facebook login, tuenti, heath ledger, obama, nasza klasa, wer kennt wen, euro 2008, jonas brothers, att, iphone, youtube, fox news, david cook, surf the channel, rivalry, dark knight, iron man, star wars, termintor, harry potter, how to, sex, playboy, love, life, news, yahoo, hotmail, gmail, kendra, disney, good, god, jokes, maps, weather, chat, games,

I love other people’s failures..you? tears included.

Who didn’t see this coming?

sarah palin, beijing 2008, facebook login, tuenti, heath ledger, obama, nasza klasa, wer kennt wen, euro 2008, jonas brothers, att, iphone, youtube, fox news, david cook, surf the channel, rivalry, dark knight, iron man, star wars, termintor, harry potter, how to, sex, playboy, love, life, news, yahoo, hotmail, gmail, kendra, disney, good, god, jokes, maps, weather, chat, games,

Eternal…does that mean forever?

or until we get the $961 gas bill….. clicky clicky

This guys is a hero to us …

Nothing better than a failed Heist.

Somebody needs to watch the movie Heat

Sense not common

For this noz?

Bush buys half a mil in Chinese crap…

It’s the least he could do for all the money they given him for our secrets

Hi.. I took this test and it said..

i’m a Mormon, Muslim, Christian, Buddist and a Avocate of boredom

The real meaning to harmless Disney movies..

Glad we are raising kids with these morals

This is a Noz approved reseach

Girl you look good, why don’t ya back that thing up

Noz kid figures out the truth behind the mask!

Chuck E Cheese is a Punk Bitch!

Blow Up Bandit Strikes Again

“It’s totally bizarre. It’s a real concern that someone like that is out on the street,”

The balls on these corporate jerks!

This is BOLLICKS!

Ancient Rave Site?

You be the Judge?

And you thought your job was Sh!tty

Man Covered In Feces Attacks Flight Attendant

A Noz Show

Mini Me Eating his Mini Wheats

What a flippin’ Noz!!

The definition of a franking NOZ!

Psychics Seeing Business Boom yeah like they did not see that coming?

Biggest Douches

Merry Christmas to me, Living in another families attic check, stealing presents and donating to self check!

“When we were going through the inventory of what he did take, we found a note labeled ‘Stanley’s Christmas List’ of all the items he had removed from the residence and donated to himself,”

The Best Train Wreck of the year?!?!

You Gotta See this!!!

Its not everyday you see a train wreck like this.   Its good coming and going!

It Maybe a little too Late?

What are Veterans are doing for Noz-mas?

An unarmed thief steals a 27 inch television during store hours, and no one notices.  Police report the double amputee male had two companions strap the TV to his back.  He then walked out of the store.  Later, employees noticed a display shelf was a TV short.  They called the law.  Surveillance cameras showed police officers exactly what happened.

EXHAUSTED and DEMORALISED might as well work at a Brothel?

Blood Pressure is RISING

About time, Being Annoying is now Illegal?

If the Noz’s is annoying call the police?

Toyota to project first operating loss since 1941

Gm and Chrysler project operating losses every 41 seconds?

I thought porn already did this?

Bionic ’sex chip’ that stimulates pleasure centre in brain developed by scientists

Damn, Dewd Chill its just crumbs!

What did you say!?

Bush a great prez? yeah..and Santa is real

Wonkette : Santa & Bush Conspired To Elect Obama!

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Pete the Purple Squirrel Likes his Purple Pills

Cool, Calm Just like my Mom with a couple valium insider her palm

Insert your name and it all makes sense..